Dear Lord,

Thank you for my friends who pushed me to email him again. Generic emails will never work.

Thank you for granting my wish to keep communication lines open. Our wedding march will be Tiny Dancer.

Thank you for giving me time to contemplate about post graduate studies.

Thank you for allowing me to finish two non-degree applications -- I hope I get admitted to Lucca and Lund.

Thank you for showing me the value of patience -- although, I know I still need more practice.

Thank you for my dad who's been bearing with my stress (surprisingly).

Thank you for making me feel alive again.

Thank you for the hope.

I finally sent the email.

And he finally replied.

Thank you Lord, for answering my prayers. I hope* the communication lines remain open until we see each other again.

Thank you too, for making me believe.


* Hope redefined as confident expectation of something.

Dear C,

Even if I was stupid enough to unfriend you, the truth of the matter is, all I really want for Christmas is you.

Luv,
S

I was not able to submit my application to Lucca last September. I thought maybe the timing was not right and I should just let that one slide, after all the opportunities being thrown my way. While it effortlessly went out of my radar, I learned recently that the deadline's extended to today and being the professional crammer I am, I figured, why not give it another shot? Nothing to lose, right?

But in writing my application, I just can't keep my focus on putting together something coherent and sensible as my mind is on something else.

Someone else, is more like it.

It's been a week since I sent an email to C and he still hasn't replied.

Let's break it down:
Yes, guilty as charged -- I AM counting the days. And desperately wanting to hear from him.

I don't know how to explain this feeling because this too is new to me. I don't remember wanting somebody as bad as this before. It's not the I-crush-you-therefore-I-stalk-you kind (not to say I haven't Googled him yet). I want to believe in my instincts this time because all it's ever able to detect before was when it was not right for me; much like I knew that:

1. I was not sure about my first boyfriend--I loved him but I couldn't see my future with him--still can't, by the way;
2. My second boyfriend and I were not meant to be AT ALL (I knew that since Day 1) -- it's a sad thought for us to actually be meant;
3. Swiss Miss was just a rebound;
4. Bassist-doctor and I have not much in common;
5. The Sergeant was just a rebound, too -- from Bassist Doctor;
6. Mr. Prawn was just a conquest; and
7. LOML and I are just really, good friends -- I cannot even imagine kissing him, that says a lot.

I just know in my heart this is the one I want for myself.

Then again, as the new bible points out, what if in looking back, I only saw the good stuff?? What if there was a message I missed when he weaned himself off me -- when he didn't remember me while he was in San Francisco? When he stopped making plans with me? When he didn't invite me to Trivia Night? When he didn't take my call and just emailed me the next day to confirm dinner on my last week in DC? When he didn't even bother to text or call me to say goodbye for the last time?

On the other hand though, what if he's just REALLY, insanely busy? Although I cannot imagine myself to be THAT busy to not check my Facebook and email at all -- for a whole week.

Or there's another message being sent by the universe I refuse to accept: it's long been over even before I knew it.

I want to wait, really. But what if I'm not waiting for anything?

I'm not ready to accept the truth -- whatever it is. There's a comfort I gain out of my daily delusions of grandeur: in waking up every morning having him in mind; in walking alone imagining him with me; in seeing my life unfold with him in it. Somehow, the he and I story just sits viciously very well in my head and refuses to make itself manifest in real life.

The thing is, the go-getter in me has long taken a hike. DC was too good in teaching me to let go. I think I swung to the other extreme too much though. The case I see is a checkmate -- what move can I really make?

Send a generic email with a shoutout to him and 500 other people because I can't make myself send him a personal one (coz he might think I'm clingy and delusional -- the latter is true, obviously)?? Done.

Send him another email telling him how badly I miss him and tell him I wish to hear from him more often? I'm not sure I can do that.

What can I do to get the man I think I dreamed to life when I'm halfway across the globe, aside from praying everyday for an email from him asking me how I am? San Rafael knows (and has probably had it from me) how much I've wanted for that to happen.

So I write this to summon the universe, the powers that be, whatever it is that will make me gain my sanity back. But I don't want my old self back, universe. I'm tired of the whiny, unsatisfied, pessimstic person I was; help me find my DC self in Manila: the deliriously giddy, senselessly hopeful person who found that faith in you and the promises you hold for those who believe. I miss it, terribly. Even more than him, I must say.

Now with all these thoughts prancing all over my head, how in heaven's name am I supposed to finish this goddamned application??

----
Edit: Vital sign check at 12:30am -- I can see him online right now on Gmail chat. And yes, I'm just watching him. And talking to his photo, convincing him for his sake, to email me.

He will email me. He will email me. He will email me.

 When one strongly believes in something, it takes overwhelming contradictory evidence to change their minds.

Day 1 - September 12 09

C: Really, you're into renewable energy? What's your favorite source?
S: BIomass!

I miss him.

Because you have shown me your ways, I therefore declare --

I will marry Charles Worthington in this lifetime (2012, 2013?) and live with him happily ever after til the day we die.

One day, I know, just as always, you will deliver.

Meanwhile, by some chance, can you help me afford a car that I can buy for my parents this Christmas?

And diving class?

Oh and the desire to hit the gym tomorrow morning?

One at a time; but it starts now.

Dear C,

Sometimes, I wonder why you're still not all over me.

Love,
S

C came over for dinner tonight. As planned, I made him guinataang kalabasa and tortang talong from scratch. He did enjoy the food I prepared and was quite grateful for having sampled Filipino cuisine at its finest.

And no, nothing happened.

Now I'm sure that's not what he was after.

What's amazing is, I actually prayed for a happy ending. Somehow, I know this is not the end. I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

Let me know when you decide to become adventurous and visit Manila.

I will. You have my email.

Yes, I do.

We hugged and kissed each other goodbye.